Dirty Poems

Welcome to our webpage of Dirty Poems and no that doesn't mean we're covered in mud. For some funny, sexy and somewhat downright dirty poems then you are in the right place. These are free for you to use for non commercial purpose. They maybe saucy but they are not too cheeky!











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A young man lately in our town
He went to bed one night;
He had no sooner laid him down
But was troubled with a spirit.
So vigorously the spirit stood
Let him do what he can;
Sure then he said it must be laid
By woman not by man.

A handsome maid did undertake
And into bed she leapt;
And to allay the spirits power
Full close to him she crept.
She having such a guardian care;
Her office to discharge.
She opened wide her conjuring book
And laid the leaves at large.

Her office she did well perform
Within a little space;
Then up she rose, and down he lay,
And durst not show his face.
She took her leave and away she went,
When she had done the deed;
Saying" If it chance to come again
Then send for me with speed.

**

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own

**

Sex is like MATHS
You SUBTRACT the clothes
ADD the bed
DIVIDE the legs
Then MULTIPLY!!!!

**

Dirty Poems

ALL I HAVE TO GIVE

You're the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise.
You're the last thing I think of
Each night when I close my eyes.
You're in each thought I have
And every breath I take.
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move I make.
I want to prove I love you
But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to give
To you... I give my heart.
Cara G. Stanfield

**

The Passionate Shepherd To His Love

Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle,

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs,
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

The shepherds’ swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning;
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me, and be my love.
Christopher Marlowe (1564-1593)

**

Dirty Poems

**

The gift for you, I pondered thus
Was a ginormous hippopotamus
So you and I could ride
Astride
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus
And, perhaps,
Since you've got him,
I Should get one too....
Two ...hippopotami
Or we could just do it.. ..
like normal peopleli
Adapted by Jon Bratton © 2004 from somewhere

**

He laid her on the table
So white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her, here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And her legs, low at first, then high
He was drooling now, "I love this bird"
He thought, as he felt her thigh.
He reached his quest it was wide and wet
Sort of dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!

**

Goldilocks, it's known, had lots of guys
And Pinnochio's one, I do surmise
She'd sit on his face
Stick his nose in that place
Then make the poor puppet tell lies!

**

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
T'was Little Boy Blue with a horn.

**

As I write out this card
I've gone into a dream,
Thinking of you smothered
All over, in whipped cream.
I get this thought every night
And wonder when it'll stop.
And I'm always wondering what it'll be like
With a cherry on the top!

**

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**

Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Dirty Poems

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of your treasure!

**

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