Funny One Liners

Welcome to our webpage of Funny One Liners and you have just found some of the very best off cuff remarks or one liners for a card or a message. These are free for you to use for non commercial purpose and we hope that you have a good laugh!











**

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

**

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

**

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
W. C. Fields

**

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

**

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

**

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

**

**

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

**

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

**

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Bob Monkhouse

**

My father only hit me once; thing is he used a Volvo.

**

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman.

**

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly

**

More Free Funny One Liners

Funny Quotes about Life